Sometimes we are allowed to endure experiences that hurt us, and even so, they grow us and shape us, giving us a defined character.
I wasn't sure if I would share this, but I thought that it could help someone who might have gone, or is going through, or even will go through this same thing. I'm still healing.
My husband and I have one beautiful 18 month old daughter together. She's Lily, and she's quite unmistakeable; full of energy and silliness. We adore her. As joy filled our hearts for what was to be, a new life, we basked in the thought of our dear Lilyan becoming a big sister. I was 5 weeks pregnant with "baby Johnson #2" when I started bleeding. At first we thought it was okay, it was light. The next day was much heavier and my blood increased in it's crimson shade. I was afraid, but encouraged by a few dear friends that sometimes bleeding is perfectly fine in early pregnancy. We had known I was pregnant for 3 days. This same day (july 27th) i went to the doctors office to get my blood drawn for my HCG levels. I had to wait until Friday to go back again to see if the HCG's had risen and doubled, or dropped. I was anxious having to wait for the results until Monday, the next business day, but we waited, and come Monday- 5 days after my heaviest day of bleeding, I was informed that my HCG levels had more than doubled down. My levels had gone from 46 to 9 in 2 days. I had miscarried our "baby Johnson #2."
Wednesday was filled with many tears and I cried most of the day. I mourned the loss of our baby, but I never once questioned why God had taken our baby because I understand His character, and His faithfulness. And Beyond my human emotions, He knew what was best for our baby and for us. He is gracious, and gives what is good. And what is good, is that our child is forever in eternity with Jesus Christ, forgoing the sin and sadness of this earthly dwelling place. Someday, when heaven opens it's gates to me, I shall hope to meet the blessed soul who God kept especially for His own. My child is safe in the arms of God, and I have hope in that.
Wednesday night Mike and I honored our baby atop a darkened mountain, overlooking the glow of the city. While power lines crackled and the bushes sang their night song, we let the memory of our baby quietly lay upon the hill, but never left from our hearts.
I wanted to share a poem a friend of a friend had on her blog that her parents had written for her when she experienced the loss of her second child as well. It defines what i cannot put easily into words, but feel so deeply.
To My Baby
Is it proper to cry for a baby too small for a coffin?
Yes, I think it is.
Does Jesus have my too-small baby in His tender arms?
Yes, I think He does.
There is so much I do not know about you- My child
He, she?
quiet or restless?
Will I recognize someone I knew so little about, yet loved so much?
Yes, I think I will.
Ah, sweet, small child
Can I say that loving you is like loving God?
Loving, yet not seeing.
Holding, yet not touching.
Caressing, yet separated by the chasm of time.
No tombstone marks your sojourn, and only God recorded your name.
The banquet was not canceled, just moved, just moved.
Yet a tear remains where baby should have been.
A week ago today, on Wednesday July 27, 2011, our sweet baby was given into Jesus' arms. We'll never know him/her, hold him/her, kiss him/her. We'll never smell his/her sweet baby scent, or lavish in his/her baby snuggles. But we know that our dear little child is safe in the arms of God, rescued from sin and this fleeting world.
We will always love you, and hold you close to our hearts, little child.
I await for the day when i can see your face.
The beautiful flowers our friends got for our little baby, Lily loves to smell them :)
